Changes

BB (Before Banding) I was slow to change. I mean I was not into trying anything new, doing anything new. I had really gotten into a stagnant mode. Just letting life pass by. I really don't miss that part of me. Granted I am relatively a new bandee, but this journey really started around this time last year in terms of me starting to take a real look at WLS and making the choice to pursue the LapBand. I have just changed so much in the last year! Up in my head mostly, but man it is nice to see the body change too.

So, a couple of changes that I have already made:

• Started spinning again (nothing makes me sweat like an hour going nowhere on that bike!)
• Donated ANY good clothes that were too big.
• Bought new underwear (panties that is, since you know from my previous post that I have bra issues still...)
• Plan meals, prepare them ahead of time if possible, and sit down with the kids.
• Drink water.
• Take time to actually put on makeup. Not anything wild, just mascara and lipstick at least.
• Say one nice thing to myself every day!
• Bought a nice new bed, bed frame and bedding - so luxurious, so decadent!!
• Caught up with all my doctor appointments - general practitioner, dentist, mammogram, dermatologist, oh and of course my Dr. D.

Big things I want to do or plan to do:

• Tame my unruly, curly, blond from a bottle to cover my gray hair, hair - Taking the plunge to do Global Keratin Straightening process (4+ hour commitment) this coming Monday!!
• Join an adult kickball league - how fun would that be?
• Go places (not bars) where I might actually meet someone fun to spend time with, hey maybe at the kickball thingy...
• Take a cooking class to teach me techniques that they are always talking about on Top Chef (I am addicted to most cooking shows)
• Get my tattoo fixed. Small, once black, now greenish, celtic knot, on my left shoulder, looks like a blurry green half dollar.

What things do you want to do or have already done?

Yippee! 50 Pounds Gone.

I awoke early this morning to catch a flight for work and timidly stepped on the scale and got a special treat! I am down 50 lbs.!! Yay! And this evening my friend gave me a bag of jeans that she has outgrown on her own weight loss journey. They all fit, some are even too big and they are size 14's and 12's. Great day!

Bra Shopping

I used to run. Back in 2000 (after the world didn't implode in on itself and we climbed out of the bunkers....) I got it in my mind to run a marathon. At least I had the brains enough to choose a marathon 10 months in the future, Chicago 2001! I signed up on January 1, 2001 and off I went to become a runner. I thought that this would be the way to drop weight and get in shape and I would fall in love with running. I never got in great shape and I never fell in love with running.... Fast forward. I trained to FINISH a marathon. Not train to run it fast. Not train to like it. Not train to spend time running with friends, chatting about crock pot recipes (I have a friend who claims that she and her friends do this....).

A month before my marathon, 9/11 happened. My territory was NYC (I am an engineer for a sales organization). I ran A LOT that last month was alone a lot since I wasn't traveling for work. (DISCLAIMER: this is not a post about 9/11 or any sad and depressing things, this is really about bra shopping).

Anyway, all that running with my big, giant boobies, even bound in 2 bras while running, did a number on my back, shoulders and my now raw and chafed skin under my boobs. I decided to get a breast reduction. Lop them right off was what I told Dr. E!! I got my breast reduction in 2003. They removed 5+ pounds from my boobs and I got a nice little lift too. Now I had perky little boobies (the only thing that I really love about my body has been my boobies since 2003).

So I am now down 49 pounds since last February. I still like my boobs, but man, they are really shrinking along with the back fat etc. So I have been wearing my compression, sports bras almost all the time. That is like a uni-boob all the time, not very flattering. So I have been trying on bras in EVERY store, lifting ones, smoothing ones, pretty ones, ugly ones. The most baffling thing is the sizes!!! I could wear a 36D in one and 40B in another! I realize that buying a bra is best left to the help of a "professional". I just was too exhausted today to commit to the quest, but I plan on it very soon since I just have to give in to the fact that I can't do this on my own. My friend Michelle told me that no matter what, I need to get the ones that conceal "nips", apparently my uni-boob-bra doesn't do that and she was just being helpful. I love her.

Biggest Loser

I really got hooked on "Biggest Loser" the season before last. I just loved Danny so much (my secret crush, big or fit, I love him). I would sit there and watch and cry as the painful stories came pouring out of each of the contestants. Who didn't cry when the school teacher who lost her husband, little girl and new-born son told her story? I didn't just cry, I sobbed. I watch week after week (of course on DVR so I don't need to see the silly commercials). I love the transformations! I love to see the success! I love to watch the sweat and spit and exhaustion.

Two seasons ago (Danny's season), I was on my early journey to explore getting LapBand surgery. I do, however, recall a few nights sitting watching the show eating something bad. I also was not exercising much last season, so those workout watching episodes were rough. I realize now, I was gearing up last year to start my life. I put off a lot of things back in that old life. I had "big plans" to get moving, to stop eating everything in sight, to start liking myself a little more, to stop putting my life on hold!

I watched the new season premier this week (again skipping through the commercials, unless it comes to that Kia commercial with the hamsters....). I still see the same stories of pain, self-destructive behaviors, awful circumstances, bad choices, lack of understanding/education, depression, life altering situations etc..... But now I see these things through different eyes. I see how easy it is to let things spiral out of control so quickly. How easy it is to put yourself on the back burner. I see how I faded into the background of life, not really participating, but just existing. I don't miss that person. I think that so many of us get lost. I have such hope now, I want that for all of these people on the show and in life to get to that point where they too have hope. I also realize now that my hope isn't wholly dependent on a number on a scale, but a realization that I want more for me. (Gawd! I really didn't mean to go all deep and stuff...)

Now, back to what prompted me to even think about "Biggest Loser".... I noticed that there was a girl who had very similar tummy scars as mine. I then poked around and it turns out that at least a couple of the players this season had had WLS. Funny, my attitude was WTF???!!! How did they end up not succeeding after surgery? How could they not make this work with a tool like a LapBand? Then I thought about how if I didn't have my head on straight and understand that the band is a physical tool ONLY. I guess I needed to see the other side. I see (or rather, read) about ALL the great successes on these blogs that help me everyday to get through or over my own hurdles and really didn't or haven't stopped to think about the risk of failure. I have failed before, many times, on this quest to get my weight under control. I am thankful that I have these reality checks to keep my mind and body aware of how I need to work on this as a whole EVERYDAY.

Ticker Love!

Today is a good day!
I spent the morning yesterday with my dear friend Kathy (who dutifully transported me and stayed with me on my surgery day back in July). Summer just was a blur for me and apparently everyone else.... I was bad about staying in touch with the people that mean the most to me, namely Ms. Kathy. Now, I need to also say that I have been forbidden from coming to her house until her kitchen remodel was complete (4.5 months later I am still not allowed in....) I have actually forgotten what her house looks like on the inside! Kathy came over and picked me up to go and do our annual "buying pumpkins and mums" run! She walked in the kitchen and just started screaming!!! Screaming "Holy @$%#!!!" over and over and grabbing me and hugging me all the time screaming! It was the BEST!!!!! I was over the moon for that kind of reaction! She made my day, week, month! I love her! I actually have talked to her many times on the phone since my surgery, but just not seen her in person. I was actually concerned because I thought that the 15 pounds that I have lost since my surgery wouldn't be enough to even notice. I guess I was wrong! I got all the cheering and rah-rahs that I could ever want.
Here's to all the great girl-friends to pump you up and let you know when you are doing a great job. I am going to pay it forward and make sure to make all my friends know how great they are on the inside and outside!!

Sanity Check...

I have a quick question for some experienced "bandees" out there. I got a 3cc fill on September 1 and I don't feel restricted at all. I am very careful with what I eat and exercise faithfully, but I can eat A LOT! I am not really complaining as my scale was down 2 pounds this morning, but I am wondering if the first fill is not a real representation of what a restriction feels like. The only thing that gives me any problems is bread, so I have eliminated any bread from my diet.

I guess I should be happy that I am doing this mostly on my own. I just thought I would be getting used to a "full feeling" by now. I have a fill scheduled for the middle of October, I will probably regret wanting to really feel restricted......

A Wedding Weekend

So I survived a week of travel to the West Coast. Happily, eating and exercising were not the issue at all! Traveling from NY to San Diego to San Francisco to San Jose to LA on as many planes was the challenge! Especially the last leg, the "fun" red-eye from LAX, or more specifically the 9 hour wait at the airport in LA after being shuffled from San Jose unexpectedly.

So, as I expected, none of my male workmates on my trip commented or appeared to notice my transformation. No biggie! I know what I have accomplished. I did feel a little bad for my boss having to buy me a $30 breakfast consisting of coffee and oatmeal in San Francisco.




I was back in time for the kids and I to jump in the car and drive to PA for a family wedding. A very fun time for both of the kids who were in the wedding. My 14 son was actually the best man!! He is very close with his cousin (26) who obviously adores him enough to have him stand up for him. My daughter was the junior bridesmaid and looked beautiful! I was so proud of them. I actually didn't hide from the camera and wore a dress that was 3 sizes smaller than anything I have worn for a very long time. Eating was not an issue either. I did get a comment from the bride who said that I was "wasting away", I love her!!

Traveling with the Band

I leave tomorrow for my first multi-day trip across country for my job since being banded. I have really been a homebody for the last couple of months. I haven't seen many of my work peeps during this time, so it will be fun to see the guys struggle whether to say anything to me, if they even notice! My sales guy is the only one in my company who I even told about the surgery and when I saw him a couple of weeks ago he asked me if I did something different with my hair. OMG! He never mentioned the 40+ lbs, but asked about my hair! Really??!! I jokingly said that I had lost the equivalent of a pre-schooler and smacked him for not remarking on my "sveltness" :-)

Seriously, I really struggle with taking compliments and not knowing what to say. I actually practice just saying "Thank You". Why is that so difficult? I think having anyone even notice me has been such an issue for me for some time. Sad. I feel so much better mentally and physically now even just from the time I decided to get the surgery back at the beginning of 2010. I can't imagine being that miserable and sad ever again.

I have packed my single serving tuna pouches and my Crystal Light single packs in case I can't find anything in a pinch! If I keep myself well hydrated and on a fairly regular schedule I should be just fine. I also packed up my sneakers and gym clothes too, so no excuses for no exercise. I will be in San Francisco so I will look forward to some hill walking!

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars."

That Was Easy!!!

I was all stressed out for nothing!!! Today was my first fill. I am officially "restricted". I had been wondering why I could eat a fair amount..... I just had a wee little .8cc fill in from surgery. I am up to a 3cc fill now. This should be interesting. I maintained my weight from my post op appointment so I pretty much have been doing this on my own and gotten some good habits built in these past couple of months.

I actually went and did my kickboxing class after my fill and felt great. I think it is the whole unknown thing that was freaking me out.

Now the thing that got me more excited today, other than getting the fill over with, was receiving my cool, new heart-rate monitor watch! I started spinning again a few months before my surgery after a number of years of dropping almost all exercise. I really like spinning. The classes are either endurance, strength, or interval rides and dependent on your specific heart-rate range. I have a very low resting heart-rate, so I didn't really know what my range was for any of the rides. I was probably overdoing it trying to raise my heart-rate to the ranges posted on the wall. The instructor last week had me borrow a heart-rate monitor and track my ride. I had a great workout once I knew what range I should have been working towards. I love my watch too because it actually tracks activity to burn 3500 calories = 1 pound lost! I just had to plug in some of my stats and I am ready to go.

Happy September 1st!! Everyone have a great night!

"Life is like a ten speed bike, most of us have gears we never use…"