Honeymoon is over

I don't think that I thought that I was ever going to come down...

I saw my PCP on December 18, 2009 and after an uncontrollable unloading about all the things that were crappy in my life, the biggest being the way I felt about myself. I love my doctor! She is the first doctor who actually talked with me and supported my exploration of Lap Band surgery.

I was on such a high from the first informational meeting, right on through the 5% required loss, the pre-op diet and ultimately the surgery date on July 20, 2010! I felt so successful, I really felt that this was the "magic" that I had always been searching for most of my adult life. Not a "magic bullet", but a magic feeling.

And then it happened. A few days, maybe a week, before my month anniversary of banding, I really started seeing an "old Amy" pop up. Bad food choices down my un-swollen and unrestricted stomach. Head hunger that made me crave all things evil to eat. Spending hours watching food channels and cooking shows. Pushing the limit of "sensible" food choices.

I crashed mentally soon after. I just felt let down, deflated, off my high. I worried that I would not have it in me to pull out of this funk and turn this feeling into action. I then realized, quite by accident, that this band was really a tool and I did know how to actually use it. I still don't even have a real restriction other than the bare minimum in the band from surgery, but I started really "listening" to my body. I listened to how I felt when I made a bad choice, when I ate too fast, when I drank with my food or too soon after. My scale didn't do what it normally did in the past when I felt like it was too tough to stay on track. My scale just moved a little (1-2 lbs. up then down, or staying the same) certainly not what it I was used to from the past.

Now I am grateful for the turn of events, from steady, semi-rapid weight loss, little choices necessary to be successful, to a slow in weight loss, and re-introduction of exercise and living with my band. I had never had a setback (mentally or physically) that I actually been able to overcome. I just needed to realize the tool I was carrying inside was just one of many tools that I already have. I know, kinda like a Scarecrow, Tin-Man or Cowardly Lion moment.

I am going to rejoice in the little victories, and especially those that don't involve a scale! Thanks to all of you that I have learned from on your blogs and listened to your victories, the information is invaluable to the newly banded.

"If you don’t know where you’re going how do you expect to get there ?"

You know that you need a fill when....

10. You discover that you can make almost ANYTHING, good or bad, "applesauce consistency" if you chew it long enough...
9. Head hunger is louder than the roofers pounding on your new roof......
8. You watch the Food Channel and the saliva that you get from watching a BBQ special helps get pretzels to an "applesauce consistency"....
7. You dream about said BBQ special.....
6. You've lost that full feeling, (in my case I guess I only had that swollen feeling so far...).
5. Soft food = lots of food....
4. You are not so excited to jump on that scale....
3. You actually miss thinking, "oh I wouldn't even try that" when making a restaurant food choice..
2. You get worried that your Dr. is going to yell at you....
1. You know that this was the best thing you ever did for yourself and want the tool to do it's job....

I think I am really silly. But oddly, putting it down on the screen means I have to acknowledge some of the changes and feelings that I am having. Before banding, I would have just as easily slipped back into bad habits and lazy thinking (I believe that I joined WW over 100 times...)

Only 1 week and I get my first fill. I am going to do my best to act as though I have a fill and make sure I keep myself in check.

Have a great day!

"If there exists no possibility of failure, then victory is meaningless."

One Month Post Banding!

I got a great surprise this afternoon in my email. My surgery roomie sent me a note. I was so glad to hear from her since I didn't have her email. It really was nice to have a room-mate that was going through the same things.

I really feel quite normal now! I know that may sound strange, but the week before last, I felt just a little "off". I think being back at work and doing regular travel and getting the go ahead to go back to my spinning and cardio class has made a BIG difference. My scale has been good to me. I still am a couple weeks from my first fill, but I am losing/maintaining what I have lost. I love knowing what it feels like to be "full" or "satisfied". I feel very much at ease, with the toughest stuff behind me. I wouldn't trade even the bad days for this new found feeling.

My kids are so great! They are my biggest cheerleaders. My son and I went for a walk the day before yesterday, and he put his arm around me and told me how proud he was of me and how great I looked! (NOTE: a car passed us and he held on to my waist and didn't pull away! Pretty cool considering he is 14). My daughter and I went swimming last night and she came up close and put her hands on my face and said that I was pretty. I was grinning the rest of the night.

I know that my good example of taking care of myself will pay off many times over with my kids now and in the future. I am so happy that I made the decision to give myself this gift.

Amy

"Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows." -

This is for my friend Michelle who always makes me laugh at myself and herself.

Much Better Mood!!

I love it when things go from bleak to good in a relatively short time! At the beginning of the week I felt like hiding out in bed and by Wednesday I was all good again. I was on vacation again last week (my summer has been like this: vacation, pre-op diet, surgery, post-op, vacation....) so this week I had to actually do some work! Maybe that was the whole issue with gas and air, I was talking a lot!! Then I was told on Tuesday afternoon that I needed to go on a quick overnight trip on Wed-Thur. Panic set in on immediately. Food was the first thing that I worried about. I have pretty much been in a cocoon since my surgery, with little issues around making decisions about food choices. What if I make a mistake and eat something that I can't get down in front of people? How on earth can I walk into the USAir Club and NOT try to eat those damn spicy peanut, pretzel and sesame crackers? Luckily I had little time to actually harp on the "what ifs".

I also was a little anxious about having my 1st follow-up with Dr. D since my surgery (remember I crammed my surgery in between my vacations)! I was pleased with the weigh-in (down 44 pounds from the first day that I walked into the office and 13 pounds from surgery day). I went through my questions:

• Gas pressure (which had actually subsided by my appointment thank goodness) all normal for the stage I am in apparently
• Blood pressure - I was shocked at the reading 140/100! I actually had talked to my PCP about how I was feeling a tad dizzy when taking my Atenelol and probably "self doctored" by deciding to stop.... Bad idea and I was thoroughly scolded :-( I went home and took my meds... didn't feel dizzy, just dumb.
• Itchy, itchy tummy - I had a crazy rash ALL over my stomach even 3 weeks out that I could only get to subside with topical Benadryl. Since I had no remnants of the rash, I just think he thought I was nuts! Only when I talk about it now it starts to itch. I think he also thought I was nuts not to have used Benadryl until a few days ago...

I have my first fill on September 1st, so that should be fun! Daughter wants to even see it up close and in person.

I am happy to report I didn't have any food dilemmas at all. I even managed to chew to applesauce consistency 3 spicy sesame sticks and was happy with the taste and the overall experience!

My other big personal wins were:

• My work clothes fit really comfortably (soon to be donated away!)
• I sat in an airline seat where I gave the person next to me lots more room than before and my seat belt was not like binding a sausage.
• I ate one restaurant meal (breakfast) and result was.... GREAT! Good choice, poached eggs and no bad/embarrassing outcomes.

Nite Nite!

"Pressure makes diamonds."

UGH!!

Yesterday was the worst post-banding day. I am experiencing awful gas pressure.
So I am having this issue swallowing, but it has gotten to be a series of mini-panic attacks when I go to actually drink something. I think I haven't gotten the hang of "sipping". I literally cannot swallow, breathe, talk or burp without it feeling like someone is stepping through my chest! It usually starts with like an abundance of saliva in my mouth that is forcing me to swallow, I get the gas pain, let out a whimper (to which one of my kids usually comes running over to pound on my back) then get a lovely dose of hic-ups.....


I felt so down yesterday! I just wanted to crawl back in bed (which I actually did on 3 occasions). I have been so fortunate to have had so few problems, pre or post banding. I am going to stay positive and take a walk to start out my day. It is supposed to be a scorcher here in Western NY today.

Thanks for the vent.

Amy

"I’ve got problem for your solution…"

Vacations Post Banding....

Wow! I stopped really eating on July 14th while in Jamaica (really the travel day home) on a family vacation. Was on the pre-op diet of liquids and then surgery on the 20th of July. Happily I was not really eating anything much at all until a day before going on another vacation on July 31st. I really planned it out, so I thought, but I am going to admit in the next few sentences all the bad things that I tried to get into my (what I am believing is an empty-lapband restricted stomach...). Fluids are still crazy hard unless they are warm (I am used to slamming back 16oz of water in a gulp, now=bad!!) I wish I had actually learned how to eat slow before I stopped eating! I had my hiatal hernia repaired when I was banded, so on Thursday at my first follow up appointment I have questions!!!! Like: why I can't burp without doubling over, why do I have a pain in my upper back when swallowing, what on earth caused a crazy rash ALL over my stomach and other things....

Things I wish I hadn't tried to eat so soon: (I am really hoping that confessing this will make me feel better and that someone else will tell me that they too tried some of these things with poor results..)
1. French fry (if you have ever been in Canada and sat next to someone eating poutine - fries with gravy and melted cheese curd you know this was impossible not to try) RESULT - POOR, actually it never went down... lucky when it refused, I was close to the toilet.
2. Taco meat - taco sauce and melted cheese with sour cream. RESULT - GOOD (at first.... bad heartburn later)
3. Margarita - RESULT - GOOD (first cold thing I got down without a problem, oh, but 2 sips in and I was hammered!!
4. Fresh bread from oven - RESULT - BAD, BAD, BAD! I think I still have it stuck in there somewhere even though I shouldn't even be really restricted.... I might still sometime stick a piece in my mouth and chew it up for the taste and spit it out, GAWD!! Is there anything as good as fresh bread??!! Now I am worried, that sounded like a really un-wise thing to even think...
5. Pasta Bake..... - RESULT - OK (mushy pasta really isn't that appetizing, but man I ate a LOT of it, heartburn was back soon after.
Okay, those were the bad things, probably a fair amount of other bites, nibbles and licks. I am going to start keeping a journal like I did when I was on WW. Maybe that will help me....

Good things that happened on vacation that had absolutely NOTHING to do with food:
1. I accepted the many compliments I got on my weight loss from my vacation buddies who only see me once a year at the cottage! I said, "Thank you, that is very kind, I am working very hard at it". I didn't share my surgery with any of them.
2. I wore a bathing suit out in public, the beach, on the boat, and sitting on the deck without a cover-up.
3. I tried to walk everyday at least for 30 min.
4. I took a nap when I needed a rest.
5. I laughed a lot with my friends and didn't have 1 fight with the kids!!
6. I launched and loaded my boat without any help and without swearing.
7. I didn't look at work or home e-mail/v-mail all week!


Oh, and I didn't freak out when I gained a pound this week...., well not too much.... :-)

Ames x

"Life is tough, get a helmet."