How rude is it to puke at the dinner table?

I really am a dork. What on earth did I get a big fill for 2 days before Christmas? I don't really have a clue about some of the essentials of being restricted as my doc had me on a conservative fill program up until now.

You may have seen my PB/Sliming post where I gleefully proclaimed that I had now experienced the thrill of the "restriction", well now I am so over that! I am actually a little afraid to eat anything of substance in front of anyone, at least until I get the whole "chew to applesauce consistency" thing down.

I went to dinner with family (actually in-law of cousin, but family anyway) on Christmas where they served the most delicious beef tenderloin. I will just stop there and let you all just imagine the rest... The moments (I am assuming that there was only moments and not minutes involved) where I was really just trying like a crazy person not to blow tenderloin at the table, were some of the most intense of anytime in my entire life!! It was compounded by the fact that I needed to squeeze past my father's seat and his rather large tummy to get out of the dining room and up to the bathroom. All was well. I am still frightened.....

I needed this! I love my band still and all of it's spunkiness!

Merry Christmas!!!

I must have gotten a good dose of Christmas cheer injected into my band on Thursday!! It is the only logical explanation for the change of my attitude and overall mood! I had my third fill and even though I still feel little or no restriction at 5.5cc's (I am not pushing it regardless, just no substantial difference...) I really think Dr. D. put some "feel goodness" in that port though. He is really a no nonsense kind of guy, so I would fully expect that if he thought I needed a little extra something and he had it to give, he would just do it! I also think he is the kind of guy who would kick my ass if I needed it too! LOL

I love my kids! They were extremely appreciative of their gifts and went out of their way to make the preparations for the holiday special (decorating, cleaning up, wrapping). I really am lucky! I treated myself to a run today (even though it was supposed to be a rest day and my running partner is gonna give me hell!). I feel good. I have this coming week off work and a date coming up that I am looking forward to. May do some skiing and enjoy my Medium sized (yes, Medium) fancy long underwear (read: expensive).

I wish all my friends here and in my outside life, good blessings and laughter for today and the new year!!

xxoo
Ames

Ok!! PB and Sliming experienced - CHECK!

Well, it happened. My first official PB and Sliming! Yay me! I think that it is a funny thing that I thought I was missing out on something because I hadn't experienced this wonderful event. I don't want to do that again anytime soon.

I really try to get my solid proteins in first. I was in a hurry last night before my son's Christmas concert. I bought him a nutritionally deficient McDonalds double-cheeseburger, small fry and McFlurry (Oreo). I stood, yep, stood at the counter and took out the left over baked chicken out of the fridge and just started gnawing on it like a wild animal. Big, huge, bites. Virtually no chewing. Slamming it in. Panic. Wide eyes. Crushing pain.

I went to go into my bedroom and to my bathroom, and WTH.... my door is locked!! OMG! I was gagging and nearly convulsing and now digging in the "junk drawer" for the super slim screwdriver that can open up my door. My son decides to start asking me questions about his shoes or something and I am now frantically thrashing through all drawers for the elusive screwdriver. I mumble that I am choking and finally go over to the kitchen sink and the chicken made a second appearance (much to the horror of gabby-gabster, son). I was shocked at the "slime-like substance" enveloping the said chicken. I looked at it for a bit too, wondering where all that came from.... Kind of disgustingly, fascinating!

Here is where I need a sanity check. I took a sip of water and then went over to the rest of the chicken and ripped off a little more and put it in my mouth and just chewed a little better and got it down. Should the PB/Slime been the indicator to not eat anymore? Or just to slow down? LOL

Have a great day friends!!

The Big 7 - 0!!

I just hit my 70 pound loss! I am really happy. I am feeling motivated, excited and much better than my last post where I was a dreary-downer! I guess from admitting that I might be suffering from some depression and asking for help, I was rewarded with a little gift of a couple of pounds!

My sweetest little daughter took control of Christmas and while I was out with my son on Saturday skiing, she put up the tree, decorated and made dinner. What a sweetheart! I am so lucky to have my kids take care of me sometimes when I need a little help.

I am crazy, but that is okay!

It is 8:33AM and I have already had a good cry this morning. I have been on the verge of crying for the last week or two. In fact, I am tearing up writing these words. I am sad. I am, I guess, more than just sad, I am in a full blown depression.

It is okay though. I got up and blew my nose and said out loud, just so I could hear it, "I need to start taking my medicine again!". I agreed with myself and brushed my hair and teeth and then stepped on the scale. Sometimes a scary thing you know.... 163.5! Cool. I haven't seen that stupid scale budge for nearly a month!! I am sucking at this Holiday Challenge! But, all of a sudden the heaviness in my heart seemed to lift a little. I should have seen the signs a couple of weeks ago. The snappiness at the kids, the crying jags, the unbelievable lack of focus. I have been working out like crazy, running, spinning, weights. In fact, that is all I really make time to plan for and do. I crave the endorphins and do get them, but they don't last.

So, into my medicine cabinet I went. Fumbled past a couple of bottles of Advil and Tylenol and dug out my trusty "happy pills" cracked that bottle open and swallowed and was happy to have made the step.

I really got it that I needed to make a move away from my dark place after reading a post from Amy (Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist) I paraphrased something she wrote that seemed to pretty much sum up my biggest hurdle of all, the empathy of even participating in Christmas. I sent it to myself as an email so that I wouldn't forget it and how important it was for me to recognize it. I just wasn't ready to think about it until I was ready mentally to actually deal with it. My kids need a good Christmas, happy memories always. I love them so.

Sometimes we make sacrifices because there are others that rely on us or are tied to our actions, most of us don't operate independently. - I paraphrased it after completely stealing from Amy, but it really feels so much like I feel/felt.....

I am still grateful for all the things that I am learning about myself. All my crazy, flaws, strengths, funny, broken, happy, powerful, silly, sad, etc.... These are all of me and sometimes we just aren't ready to accept them.

Love and kisses my friends!
XXXOOO

I am turning myself in!!

I actually feel like I am going to burst. No! Seriously, I am in pain! I just ate an entire bag of brussel sprouts, an entire giant pork chop and followed immediately with a giant glass of ice tea! What in the love of God made me do this. I am typing this as I am hunched over the kitchen island unable to stand upright.
Okay. It wasn't a binge on chocolate or cake or bags of chips like it would have been before..... I am just crazy feeling. I had to move my fill out until the 22nd. I had a great day. Lots of fun stuff, but then the crazy, OMG I want to eat a lot, really, really fast!! I think I am PMSing. I have a Mirena, so I really never know..... See crazy still, just look at this post!
Help!