How rude is it to puke at the dinner table?

I really am a dork. What on earth did I get a big fill for 2 days before Christmas? I don't really have a clue about some of the essentials of being restricted as my doc had me on a conservative fill program up until now.

You may have seen my PB/Sliming post where I gleefully proclaimed that I had now experienced the thrill of the "restriction", well now I am so over that! I am actually a little afraid to eat anything of substance in front of anyone, at least until I get the whole "chew to applesauce consistency" thing down.

I went to dinner with family (actually in-law of cousin, but family anyway) on Christmas where they served the most delicious beef tenderloin. I will just stop there and let you all just imagine the rest... The moments (I am assuming that there was only moments and not minutes involved) where I was really just trying like a crazy person not to blow tenderloin at the table, were some of the most intense of anytime in my entire life!! It was compounded by the fact that I needed to squeeze past my father's seat and his rather large tummy to get out of the dining room and up to the bathroom. All was well. I am still frightened.....

I needed this! I love my band still and all of it's spunkiness!

Merry Christmas!!!

I must have gotten a good dose of Christmas cheer injected into my band on Thursday!! It is the only logical explanation for the change of my attitude and overall mood! I had my third fill and even though I still feel little or no restriction at 5.5cc's (I am not pushing it regardless, just no substantial difference...) I really think Dr. D. put some "feel goodness" in that port though. He is really a no nonsense kind of guy, so I would fully expect that if he thought I needed a little extra something and he had it to give, he would just do it! I also think he is the kind of guy who would kick my ass if I needed it too! LOL

I love my kids! They were extremely appreciative of their gifts and went out of their way to make the preparations for the holiday special (decorating, cleaning up, wrapping). I really am lucky! I treated myself to a run today (even though it was supposed to be a rest day and my running partner is gonna give me hell!). I feel good. I have this coming week off work and a date coming up that I am looking forward to. May do some skiing and enjoy my Medium sized (yes, Medium) fancy long underwear (read: expensive).

I wish all my friends here and in my outside life, good blessings and laughter for today and the new year!!

xxoo
Ames

Ok!! PB and Sliming experienced - CHECK!

Well, it happened. My first official PB and Sliming! Yay me! I think that it is a funny thing that I thought I was missing out on something because I hadn't experienced this wonderful event. I don't want to do that again anytime soon.

I really try to get my solid proteins in first. I was in a hurry last night before my son's Christmas concert. I bought him a nutritionally deficient McDonalds double-cheeseburger, small fry and McFlurry (Oreo). I stood, yep, stood at the counter and took out the left over baked chicken out of the fridge and just started gnawing on it like a wild animal. Big, huge, bites. Virtually no chewing. Slamming it in. Panic. Wide eyes. Crushing pain.

I went to go into my bedroom and to my bathroom, and WTH.... my door is locked!! OMG! I was gagging and nearly convulsing and now digging in the "junk drawer" for the super slim screwdriver that can open up my door. My son decides to start asking me questions about his shoes or something and I am now frantically thrashing through all drawers for the elusive screwdriver. I mumble that I am choking and finally go over to the kitchen sink and the chicken made a second appearance (much to the horror of gabby-gabster, son). I was shocked at the "slime-like substance" enveloping the said chicken. I looked at it for a bit too, wondering where all that came from.... Kind of disgustingly, fascinating!

Here is where I need a sanity check. I took a sip of water and then went over to the rest of the chicken and ripped off a little more and put it in my mouth and just chewed a little better and got it down. Should the PB/Slime been the indicator to not eat anymore? Or just to slow down? LOL

Have a great day friends!!

The Big 7 - 0!!

I just hit my 70 pound loss! I am really happy. I am feeling motivated, excited and much better than my last post where I was a dreary-downer! I guess from admitting that I might be suffering from some depression and asking for help, I was rewarded with a little gift of a couple of pounds!

My sweetest little daughter took control of Christmas and while I was out with my son on Saturday skiing, she put up the tree, decorated and made dinner. What a sweetheart! I am so lucky to have my kids take care of me sometimes when I need a little help.

I am crazy, but that is okay!

It is 8:33AM and I have already had a good cry this morning. I have been on the verge of crying for the last week or two. In fact, I am tearing up writing these words. I am sad. I am, I guess, more than just sad, I am in a full blown depression.

It is okay though. I got up and blew my nose and said out loud, just so I could hear it, "I need to start taking my medicine again!". I agreed with myself and brushed my hair and teeth and then stepped on the scale. Sometimes a scary thing you know.... 163.5! Cool. I haven't seen that stupid scale budge for nearly a month!! I am sucking at this Holiday Challenge! But, all of a sudden the heaviness in my heart seemed to lift a little. I should have seen the signs a couple of weeks ago. The snappiness at the kids, the crying jags, the unbelievable lack of focus. I have been working out like crazy, running, spinning, weights. In fact, that is all I really make time to plan for and do. I crave the endorphins and do get them, but they don't last.

So, into my medicine cabinet I went. Fumbled past a couple of bottles of Advil and Tylenol and dug out my trusty "happy pills" cracked that bottle open and swallowed and was happy to have made the step.

I really got it that I needed to make a move away from my dark place after reading a post from Amy (Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist) I paraphrased something she wrote that seemed to pretty much sum up my biggest hurdle of all, the empathy of even participating in Christmas. I sent it to myself as an email so that I wouldn't forget it and how important it was for me to recognize it. I just wasn't ready to think about it until I was ready mentally to actually deal with it. My kids need a good Christmas, happy memories always. I love them so.

Sometimes we make sacrifices because there are others that rely on us or are tied to our actions, most of us don't operate independently. - I paraphrased it after completely stealing from Amy, but it really feels so much like I feel/felt.....

I am still grateful for all the things that I am learning about myself. All my crazy, flaws, strengths, funny, broken, happy, powerful, silly, sad, etc.... These are all of me and sometimes we just aren't ready to accept them.

Love and kisses my friends!
XXXOOO

I am turning myself in!!

I actually feel like I am going to burst. No! Seriously, I am in pain! I just ate an entire bag of brussel sprouts, an entire giant pork chop and followed immediately with a giant glass of ice tea! What in the love of God made me do this. I am typing this as I am hunched over the kitchen island unable to stand upright.
Okay. It wasn't a binge on chocolate or cake or bags of chips like it would have been before..... I am just crazy feeling. I had to move my fill out until the 22nd. I had a great day. Lots of fun stuff, but then the crazy, OMG I want to eat a lot, really, really fast!! I think I am PMSing. I have a Mirena, so I really never know..... See crazy still, just look at this post!
Help!

Moving 1 Ton of Pellets

So I have some exercise to do today!!! I heat our house primarily with my pellet stove. I usually have completed this task well before now, much to the complaining of my chilly children. The pellets come in 1 ton pallets, which I need to LOAD into my vehicle and then UNLOAD out of my vehicle. So I told my friend that I am actually moving 2 tons of pellets and asked if I could just skip my scheduled run and use this as my exercise for the day. I was told no! I hate him! As you can see I am procrastinating this whole thing by blogging about it. I really need a man! Not that I am not a self-sufficient and happy person without a man, but I hate moving pellets.

I do have a date on Thursday. Maybe he would move pellets for me. Kind of a "are you worthy" task to see if he is boyfriend material. I think that would probably be going too far huh? I think that maybe it is an "impress your potential boyfriend with just how remarkable you are" feat! I think he might be impressed. He is a cutie! I feel all excited about seeing him. We have met a couple of times out and this is our first official date.

Stuck....

I am a lucky one I guess. I am still relatively a "newbie" so I am sure when I get a really good restriction someday I will know what stuck is....

I have a couple of problem foods. Broccolli and tater tots. Well since I really shouldn't be eating a whole mess of tater tots we could probably negate that one. I love broccolli. Raw, cooked, blah, blah blah. I have taken to overcooking and mashing and that works. But I really started thinking about what I haven't been doing lately and that is: being mindful of what is going in my mouth.

I have had a couple of incidents lately where I felt stressed, unhappy or sad and immediately went to the cupboard. It is always there for me. Looking at me from across the room saying, "come check me out, I have something in here I am sure that will fill up something you are missing...". I usually (not always) can resist now, but not because I am full or not hungry, but because I have gotten rid of ALL of my bigger clothes. I would have to resort to pj's. Also, I have been working out like a crazy person and even lugging 1-2 extra pounds on a run hurts now. I just think that I have some things to work on. I can eat just about anything and as much and as fast as I like.... All bad huh?

I have a fill on the 15th of December. I have done great in terms of really working in the exercise and that has paid out in BIG loss, but I really worry if I backed off the exercise for any reason (busy or injured) that I would be in trouble. I am afraid he is going to think I am at a good restriction because of the loss I have had. I really need to feel full.

On the Holiday Challenge front, I have successfully gained a pound and stayed there. So I am not sad, but rather happy that I have that at least to keep me honest. I am amazed at some of the successes posting! That is really what this is all about, just a cheer squad for a bunch of amazing people!!! I love you all!

Thanksgiving

I just got back from a run and I feel great! I am very fortunate to have a couple of great kids, a loving and best-friend Dad and lots and lots of friends. I feel that the past year has been such a gift. I am thankful that I lurked for so long on these blogs to get the inspiration to finally start my life over. I think the whole process of friendship and support is really just to get a person to see the person that others see and love even when you are unable to love yourself. I have a dear friend who told me recently that it actually hurt to see me hating myself so much and that she was so glad I was free of that old person.

LapBand surgery was not the silver bullet but the ray of hope that I had lost so long ago. I hope all of my blogging buddies have a great day with their friends and families. Let's not forget the lonely, sad, or sick and say a special prayer for them today!

Have a happy Thanksgiving!!!

More Crazy Shizittle...

Only me. I hope someday to post on a "band only topic", but sadly today again is not the day.

I am training for a marathon with my friend John. You may recall him from a previous post as my "swinger" friend. I am officially not a swinger! I am, however, his running/training partner. He has even fixed me up with one of his friends who is really nice and not "in the lifestyle"..... More on that one at a later date when there is more interesting material.

So, yesterday I was out with John, his wife and a bunch of other people at a bar watching football. I am in a fantasy football league and struggle just to remember who I have on my team if I don't have a cheat sheet in front of me. I am enjoying going out and meeting new people and just not rotting anymore, so it is all good. John is very outgoing. He tells everyone he is running a marathon and training with me and blah, blah, blah. I was sitting there talking to his wife about how when we went to Dick's to buy his running shoes that he was enamored by the "accessories". The reflective tape, the gloves, the hydration systems.... She was dying laughing because she said, "Welcome to my world." Then I overheard him saying to this woman (who he has been friends with for some time apparently) "We should go out running together sometime." and then planning routes and distances and actual times.

I absolutely lost my mind! I got up went to the bathroom and had to restrain myself from punching the wall in. I was really crazy feeling..... I couldn't even rationalize my feelings! I thought my head was going to explode. The most crazy thing was that this woman, plays for the other team, and her partner was sitting right there. So this is clearly:
A) Not about being jealous of this woman for any sexual reason.
B) Not about being jealous of this woman for any sexual reason, because he is married (albeit a swinger, but refer to earlier mention of me not being a swinger) and I am not involved with him in that way. Really.
C) Being jealous that he was already looking for others to run with..... Shit. I think I need to revisit reason A, cause that one makes a whole more sense right......

UGGH! I guess I need to fess up. I thought about dabbling.... Couldn't see it actually happening and made my decision to keep it purely friendly and platonic. I guess I liked being chased and I didn't realize that I would or could feel different when it stopped. The running thing I guess I transferred to be our "relationship". God! I really need a slap!

I feel fine now that I have worked it all out in my mind. When he saw I was upset he wanted to talk about it. I was actually more angry that he wanted me to discuss it with him! How ridiculous could my life get?

I called my friend on the way home and told her the whole story and we have decided that our minds don't always operate in sane mode. Transferring feelings is tricky to justify, understand and accept, especially the weird manifestations. I am working this all out and making sure that I give myself a little bit of a break on ANY feelings that are new or unusual. I have done such a good job of sheltering myself from anything even normal for so long, it is best that I experience some difficult things as primers for the big ones down the road.

Ames

This is one for the books! (Adult Content)

Here is the setting:
I am in my bedroom last night in what I refer to as "Mommy's reading nook". My daughter pops in and plunks down on the bed with a magazine. "This is one of the things I want for Christmas". So I say, "Get a pen and circle it and leave it on the desk." I barely even look up from my computer. Then I hear a strange little humming noise and look up horrified to see my 12 year old daughter with my "massager" pressed up on her forehead!!!!!! I am totally not kidding you! This was a moment that I never, ever could imagine facing. She says, "What is this?" to which I reply, "It is for sore muscles, rub it on your shoulder." Okay, that isn't the worst, hold on, hold on tight, this gets better.
Her best buddy was spending the night because his mom had a work thing. (yes, her best buddy is a 12 year old boy). He came into the room and asked her what she was doing. Insert more horror than possibly imaginable right here! She hands him my "massager" and tells him it feels good on your forehead. So, there I am in the corner in my chair just staring at these two playing with my "massager". Gets better here.....
He takes the "tool" and goes out to the livingroom to share this great thing with my 14 year old son! Who doesn't like the way it feels on his face but likes it on his leg. So now the three of them are passing around the thing. I remain calm.
It is 9:30PM at the time and I have to text my friend, whom I acquired the "tool" with a few weeks ago from a place called "Show World". We luckily chose to start "small" and "purple" and something that more closely resembled a mag-light than a penis! This is an excerpt from my text to her:
"OMG! My daughter is rubbing the "bedazzler" (don't know why we called it that BTW) on her neck after pulling it out of my drawer and now just handed it to RJ who is rubbing it on his forehead! Holy mother of God! I can barely stand this! I think I peed my pants a little bit, God I hope you are awake still this is good stuff."
To which I get the response this morning at 5:00AM
"OMFG! What did you do? I told you to hide it!!
ME: "I didn't tell you the best part!!! RJ grabbed it off the couch and said, "I am bringing this up to bed with me!" " What could I do? I just let him.... Now I guess I have to tell his mom today that I let him go to bed with my vibrator. Think he will be able to spend the night again?"
FRIEND: "You know when they realize someday what it was.... and they will.... they are all going to need therapy!!"
ME: "I better check that they don't bring it to school.... LOL!"

I haven't laughed like that for ages! Good times, good times......

Marathons, I thought I never had to do that again.....

This week has been nutsy! I can't tell you how this happened, but I somehow have committed to training for the Chicago Marathon next October with two of my closest friends, neither who have ever run a race.... I have actually run 6 miles this past week and my feet and hips didn't revolt! A little background on my running history: I ran Chicago in 2001 and weighed 186 pounds on race day. That is 20 pounds more than I weigh right now!! I can't believe how I actually LOVE the feeling of running now. I am really excited.
Now, another friend (who as of tonight I totally love because he called me skinny, no, really skinny HA HA HA!!) is doing a mini-tri in Ireland in September. Guess who is actually thinking about it? I am nuts.
I have never liked my body this much, can't really figure out why I want to punish it so much!! LOL

I get it now!!!

I now know really how skinny people feel!! I am by no means skinny, but I know how they have a TOTALLY different relationship with food.

I have been very busy at work and in my general life. Having fun again, doing things that I wouldn't have even a short time ago. Laughing more, not being a "fun sucker" as my son once call me.... I turn up the music extra loud, dance, sing karaoke, drink a beer at lunch, flirt with the pilot of the plane I flew to Boston last week!! I am being generous to local charities, waitresses, and valet parking dudes. I even re-friended my son on FB even though his posts are moronic and embarrassing!!

Back to the skinny people and their relationship with food. They use food to fuel their bodies. Apart from the occasional splurge, food is just that, fuel or sometimes something to poke at while you are laughing with your best buds! I barely think about it. I eat good food to keep me running and don't even think about it much of the time at all! I have gotten stuck once or twice eating too fast, but really I am not even hungry enough to overstuff.

I was actually called tiny and someone picked me up jokingly to move me out of the way and he didn't end up in the hospital and I didn't apologize for my girth.

I also have had an epiphany! My stretchmarks and C-section scars are my proof that I carried my precious children into this world to enjoy for the rest of my life. My lap band scars are proof that I loved myself enough to give myself a chance to... My breast reduction scars are proof that a 45 year old can have cool, perky boobs without silicon! These were big issues for me in the past. I am over that!!!

I love reading all your posts, you all keep me motivated and laughing.

xx
Ames

Yowzeee!

I am not sure what is going on...... I am dropping weight very fast lately. All good. I am just not hungry! I really can't remember being this weight ever!

I went out on Saturday night. I got very loaded with good friends. I was carried (literally) out to the car and slept on a friend's couch. WOW! Haven't done that in FOREVER!

Back to reality today!

Ames

Sex and Saturdays....

I love Saturdays. I hate all the running around though with the kids. I am basically a very selfish person. I fully realize that and accept it. I have to sometimes work at it and make sure that my kids are in the dark about that fact.

I have long said that I would like my kids more if I didn't need to feed them. I am a good mom though most of the time and my kids are appreciative of me most the time.

I am in a very selfish mood lately. I plan my work travel around my workout schedule. I only buy food that I want and that is good for me even if it means that the kids will roll their eyes. I decided to boycott Halloween this year. I didn't buy candy (we live in the sticks and the kids are going to friends). I didn't even put out decorations. Don't worry, I bought costumes, and pumpkins to carve (they are really cheap at Wal-Mart today), but refuse to carve. Just don't want to.

I go out and have a beer with my cousin if I want. I continue to flirt with my married, swinger friend. Yep, you just read that right. Just thought that I would put that out there to follow up on my last post.... This was revealed to me straight from his lips last week. I had suspicions after numerous conversations, but got the whole story from him at lunch last Monday. OMG! I am just so fascinated and horrified all at the same time. My head can't even wrap around most of it. I had so many questions, literally tons, really detailed questions and couldn't stop asking them and covering my face with most of the answers.

Now you are going to ask if I am going to launch myself into this new lifestyle. Well, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt a little special to be invited.... but reality is that I think that the swinging lifestyle is a little out of the realm of my comfort zone. A little background again. I have been divorced for 5 years!!! I have not even kissed any other man than my ex in 20 years! So the likelihood of being a swinger is highly unlikely. Apparently the married couples who swing are happier and more content in their marriages. Huh? I guess there isn't any lying or cheating, but again OMG! Now since I have no partner, I have been told that he would have to get special dispensation to "play" with me. This would involve meeting his wife and having her assess my "agenda". WTF? (I told you that I asked a lot of questions). How funny this is all to me! Funny and weird. I am enjoying the attention, but really want to have someone to grow old with and not share!

So since I have sex on my mind. I have been really good with my last fill and broke my plateau with some nice weight loss. I am comfortably in the 160's!! Yay! I am now looking at my body. It is much smaller, true! But it is a little deflated in the boob area. My stretch marks are, well scary (I had a 10lb 10oz baby....), I have a ceasarian scar. All of things are making me crazy. I have really stressed about the prospect of taking off my clothes. This is probably the biggest factor to me not even thinking seriously about the swinging offer, apart from the fact that I am positive I could not separate the sex/relationship/love/emotional thing. But man!! I really think I want me some sex!

So, now that you know my craziness, I hope that I haven't scared anyone here. I am as shocked to actually write about this happening in my life! I am also shocked by the attention that I am starting to get from men in general which seems to coincide with my swinging offer. I guess that something is turned on now in me and possibly projecting outwards.

I love Saturdays. :-)

How Tight Does the Band Need to be to Make Loneliness Go Away?

I have been divorced for almost 5 years. I have not had a relationship, a booty call, a date, a flirt or even eye contact with a man since my ex-husband. I am not still in love with my ex. I don't even really like him much these days..... He is no barrier to my moving on, that I am sure of, the other stuff I am working on and trying to figure out. I am pretty sure it is just me that has gotten in the way. My body, my mind, my work (isolated most of the time, home office....) the kids all of these things have contributed to me being alone, lonely and sad, wishing that Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs) would just come and rescue me. I have had lots of excuses. The biggest thing (elephant in the room) was my weight. I insulated myself from rejection, from even the work that goes into finding a person to spend time with and letting my guard down. I have been very sad in the past for the time that I have spent feeling sorry for myself and actually letting years of my life go by. I stayed fat because I was scared most of all.
I am down now almost 60 pounds (yay me!!) and I need to work every day to take in those compliments that I get now and give myself a little pat on the back each day for every NSV and SV that I have. I am getting better. I get attention from the opposite sex now. Even if it is just someone holding a door or saying hi. Why are fat people invisible or not worthy of being polite towards??? I go out of my way now to be kind to anyone who is overweight and looks like they haven't had a nice thing said to them that day or in a year.....! The only men that used to look at me would be old men (really creepy, but my friend saw it first hand one day and still doesn't let me forget it!).

So, I have a "friend" now. Don't get excited here. He is completely off limits, but he and I were friends in highschool. Yay Facebook! We have reconnected and he is a "600+ Friend" Friend. So read: BIG FLIRT, LOVABLE, WOMAN LOVER!! He knows my whole story.... sans band cuz I know he would want to see my tummy and feel the port and not going there.... but he knows my life story, the big hurts, disappointments and joys. He lets me practice flirting and even telling him super weird things. I have him looking for a nice guy for me. He insists that he might just not think anyone is worthy of me. (I told you he is a big flirt too right?)

Well after a confusing week last week where I started to think that I really had "feelings for him", I realized what he had successfully done: he has made me ready to get out there and back on the proverbial horse. I am a little sad that I started feeling anything for a married man!! But I also know that this was a test. I am NOT that lonely to do something that would ultimately make me feel MORE lonely and morally conflicted. I really like myself now too much to do that, and boy that feels good. I am happy and content with my life in the direction it is going. I have so much to be thankful for and this realization is such a gift.
xx my friends
Ames

My Scale is Not Broken!

I had a fill a week ago, my second, and it was just a 1.5cc add. Still really can eat anything if I was to put it to the test. I did vow on Saturday to stop the "snackies". I am very diligent about what I am eating, right down to these "snacks", but the whole feeling full seems to be eluding me.

Three meals and lots of liquids should do the trick. So 3 days into that plan and yahoo! The scale moved finally after 2.5 weeks of staying put. I am down 2.5 pounds and now solidly in the 170's, not hovering by the 180's! (I can't even remember being this weight ever!!! It seems that I blasted right into the 200's where I sat for many years).

I also had a great workout with Miss Emma on Sunday morning! I hope we can make it a regular thing. She took me swimming and made me do laps. OMG! I was so tired! Just keeping up with the breathing and trying not to have her lap me in the lane, I thought I was going to die! My son reminded me that ski season is coming (he snowboards) and that is what he is going to do to whip me up there on the mountain. I just am so happy that I am getting in shape to keep up with them and that they actually want to take part in my fitness quest.

Victoria Secret (Yep, back again to the bra quest)

So a bonding event happened with my daughter last night! We both were "professionally" fit for bras at Victoria Secret. I am a 36C and Miss Em is a 32B. Then we had fun trying on a bunch of pretty bras that actually fit! I officially have a pretty bra. If it wasn't $48, I would have said "I officially have a bunch of pretty bras!". Emma got a cute, everyday bra. She was a little unsure of the whole thing. She has been a cami girl for the last couple of years. I don't have back fat rolls or underarm/side boobs in this amazing bra. See how fabulous I look in the picture!! :-)
I am just happy to not wear my uni-boob sport bra all the time!
Yeah for overpriced, beautiful bras!

BYOC! (My first)

On to this week’s BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – where we answer 5 little questions to get to know each other better. Copy to your blog and enjoy!

1. Tell me about someone you envy.

I really like my life, but there are some situational things that I envy. So my envy is a bit of a compilation. I would have to say that I am envious of the my boss's wife, for the absolute adoration and love that he spews about her when I am talking to him. I long to feel that to and from someone. I would love to have Oprah's money (who wouldn't) and her ability to give so generously. I am envious of Dara Torres' body (the 41 year old Olympic swimmer). My dog Abby, who gets to sleep and play whenever she wants.

2. What makes you angry?

Hateful people who are intolerant and dumb enough to not care who they may offend.
Having to take off my sweater at the security checkpoint.
Reminding my kids to brush their teeth (I mean who wants to have yucky teeth and breath?)
The crazy neighbor who throws rocks in the road "to stop the speeders".

3. In an effort to help so many that seem to be blue and sad….what do you do when you feel very sad or depressed?

I used to eat. I still sometimes do.... but I try to recognize what I am feeling now, sometimes it works, sometimes not....
I call a friend with a cup of tea.
I also now blog. Sometimes just sitting down and writing or thinking about what to write, clears my head.
I also exercise, even a little walk works usually. I used to climb into bed and go to sleep. I used to sleep A LOT!!!

4. If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what five things would you want with you to survive (not people)?

A flint to start fire (I watch Survivor)
A rigged up fishing pole (Survivor again...)
Really big book.
Toothbrush (see angry question above)
Tarp (collect rain water and keep dry)

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and blogland.

I came back from a spur of the moment weekend camping with the kids. I had to travel for work on Monday, so I got robbed of a day with my kids on Columbus Day :-( I woke up in the hotel and even got a workout in. I had meetings on Tuesday and traveled home again on Tuesday night. I missed my son's soccer game, and came home to a fairly messy house. When I travel I have my Dad come and stay with the kids. I have long gotten past the fact that I will come home to what looks like a fraternity house. I love my Dad so much for being there for them, usually at the last minute request too. I had my second fill on Wednesday and all is well with that. I have been catching up with my work follow-up and home tasks. I feel happy this week. No big issues to speak of. Stay tuned, I am expecting drama of some sort to rear its' ugly head sooner or later.
I have been going through many blogs and realize that so many of us have these simple connections through experiences. I get so much "therapy" from you all. Thanks for being there!

Amy
xx

Fill #2 - all is good!

I don't think this qualifies me a a "seasoned bandee", but I went in for my second fill this morning. I can't believe how non-stressed I was this time! I apparently have a very easy to feel port, so Dr. D asked if I would let his P.A. build up some confidence on an "easy case". Only slightly worried with the prospect of having a "newbie" poke me, I said, "Why not?!" All was just fine. I got an additional 1.5cc's in for a new total of 4.5cc's in my 10cc band. I am looking forward to a little restriction actually. I will stick to the rules and not push it for a bit at least. I measured out my portion tonight and I do feel satisfied.

This morning I saw this segment on the Today show with a woman who was featured on a show called "What's Eating You?". She had a lap-band and lost a considerable amount of weight and now a days spent her time eating as much soft, mushy, food (mashed potatoes and gravy and butter and ice-cream....) as possible out of compulsion. I felt so sad for her. I feel so fortunate that my head and body have come together on this journey. It just reminds me that this is a tool to help my body, I must keep reminding myself to keep my head in check even when I feel confident and cocky.

So it seemed very appropriate that Dr. D encourages me to avoid eating any thick liquid type food (yogurt, shakes/smoothies, mashed potatoes etc). He wants me to eat solid protein (meat/beans), veggies, fruit, then carbs very minimally. He has found that his patients who avoid the "slider foods" have a better results even with less restriction. I do have yogurt as a treat, but I feel more satisfied with more bulk I guess. Has anyone who has been banded for a while followed a similar plan with good success?

Last Camping Trip of 2010

In my life (Part 2 as I call post-banding), I choose to do more fun things for me and the family. On Friday, after seeing the weather forecast for the long weekend, I decided that we would go camping! Actually was our first and only trip for the 2010 year. We have a little pop-up camper that we keep well stocked and pretty much ready to go at any time, so it isn't hard to usually go at the last minute.

• Friends for kids - check
• Puppy stuff - check (this would be a big test here....)
• Wood for fire - check
• Really easy food (good choices for Mommy) - check

We were set!! Got an early start on Saturday, stopped at Mickey D's for kid's "nourishment" on the way and we were on our way. Having older kids is great and extra kids, even better! We were set up in record time and the kids were off and exploring.
Not knowing how Miss Abby (9 week old puppy) was going to do with all this "newness" was a big concern. I swallowed hard when I noticed on the loop where we were, there were no fewer than a dozen big doggies! All who would probably consider Abby a little snack! Happy to report that Abby is a home body, she stays close to Mommy and loves to hike! The girls and I went on a long hike yesterday and brought Abby. She was great! Stayed really close, came back when called and went for long time. At a break, we sat down and Abby plunked down and fell asleep! I carried her for a while and let her rest up.

Saturday night was a cold one! We had a big fire complete with marshmallows. I am fairly sure that it was in the low 30's. The sites at Stony Brook have no electric so the camper heater couldn't be used. I was so happy to have a little puff ball who wanted to snuggle down at the bottom of my sleeping bag.

These are the fun times that I hope my kids will remember when they are older, I know I will think back on them and smile. This "Part 2" of my life will be dedicated to having and making memories.

New Addition to Family

We have had an exciting weekend. We welcomed a new puppy, Abby, to our family on Saturday. She is a little puff ball. We have been "dog-less" for a year now and it was just the right time for us.

She is a great little girl. She is very friendly and cuddly and follows us all around inside and outside. I am also happy to report that she is doing a great job of doing her business outside!! It was very hard to leave her today for a couple of hours in her crate when we heard her whimpering, but she was stretched out, snoozing when we returned, happy to see us.

Weekend Plans

I love a weekend that is built around a couple fun things and no big commitments. Judi (Stories from the road....) posted a question about what is your fav "libation". I was just thinking about my only planned activity for the coming weekend, dinner out with my girlfriend Tine. I know it will, of course, include for me a COSMO. I am not much of a drinker, but this is my poison! I will have to make sure not to slam it down since I eat so much less now I may really feel it. I am not driving, so that is a good thing.

Changes

BB (Before Banding) I was slow to change. I mean I was not into trying anything new, doing anything new. I had really gotten into a stagnant mode. Just letting life pass by. I really don't miss that part of me. Granted I am relatively a new bandee, but this journey really started around this time last year in terms of me starting to take a real look at WLS and making the choice to pursue the LapBand. I have just changed so much in the last year! Up in my head mostly, but man it is nice to see the body change too.

So, a couple of changes that I have already made:

• Started spinning again (nothing makes me sweat like an hour going nowhere on that bike!)
• Donated ANY good clothes that were too big.
• Bought new underwear (panties that is, since you know from my previous post that I have bra issues still...)
• Plan meals, prepare them ahead of time if possible, and sit down with the kids.
• Drink water.
• Take time to actually put on makeup. Not anything wild, just mascara and lipstick at least.
• Say one nice thing to myself every day!
• Bought a nice new bed, bed frame and bedding - so luxurious, so decadent!!
• Caught up with all my doctor appointments - general practitioner, dentist, mammogram, dermatologist, oh and of course my Dr. D.

Big things I want to do or plan to do:

• Tame my unruly, curly, blond from a bottle to cover my gray hair, hair - Taking the plunge to do Global Keratin Straightening process (4+ hour commitment) this coming Monday!!
• Join an adult kickball league - how fun would that be?
• Go places (not bars) where I might actually meet someone fun to spend time with, hey maybe at the kickball thingy...
• Take a cooking class to teach me techniques that they are always talking about on Top Chef (I am addicted to most cooking shows)
• Get my tattoo fixed. Small, once black, now greenish, celtic knot, on my left shoulder, looks like a blurry green half dollar.

What things do you want to do or have already done?

Yippee! 50 Pounds Gone.

I awoke early this morning to catch a flight for work and timidly stepped on the scale and got a special treat! I am down 50 lbs.!! Yay! And this evening my friend gave me a bag of jeans that she has outgrown on her own weight loss journey. They all fit, some are even too big and they are size 14's and 12's. Great day!

Bra Shopping

I used to run. Back in 2000 (after the world didn't implode in on itself and we climbed out of the bunkers....) I got it in my mind to run a marathon. At least I had the brains enough to choose a marathon 10 months in the future, Chicago 2001! I signed up on January 1, 2001 and off I went to become a runner. I thought that this would be the way to drop weight and get in shape and I would fall in love with running. I never got in great shape and I never fell in love with running.... Fast forward. I trained to FINISH a marathon. Not train to run it fast. Not train to like it. Not train to spend time running with friends, chatting about crock pot recipes (I have a friend who claims that she and her friends do this....).

A month before my marathon, 9/11 happened. My territory was NYC (I am an engineer for a sales organization). I ran A LOT that last month was alone a lot since I wasn't traveling for work. (DISCLAIMER: this is not a post about 9/11 or any sad and depressing things, this is really about bra shopping).

Anyway, all that running with my big, giant boobies, even bound in 2 bras while running, did a number on my back, shoulders and my now raw and chafed skin under my boobs. I decided to get a breast reduction. Lop them right off was what I told Dr. E!! I got my breast reduction in 2003. They removed 5+ pounds from my boobs and I got a nice little lift too. Now I had perky little boobies (the only thing that I really love about my body has been my boobies since 2003).

So I am now down 49 pounds since last February. I still like my boobs, but man, they are really shrinking along with the back fat etc. So I have been wearing my compression, sports bras almost all the time. That is like a uni-boob all the time, not very flattering. So I have been trying on bras in EVERY store, lifting ones, smoothing ones, pretty ones, ugly ones. The most baffling thing is the sizes!!! I could wear a 36D in one and 40B in another! I realize that buying a bra is best left to the help of a "professional". I just was too exhausted today to commit to the quest, but I plan on it very soon since I just have to give in to the fact that I can't do this on my own. My friend Michelle told me that no matter what, I need to get the ones that conceal "nips", apparently my uni-boob-bra doesn't do that and she was just being helpful. I love her.

Biggest Loser

I really got hooked on "Biggest Loser" the season before last. I just loved Danny so much (my secret crush, big or fit, I love him). I would sit there and watch and cry as the painful stories came pouring out of each of the contestants. Who didn't cry when the school teacher who lost her husband, little girl and new-born son told her story? I didn't just cry, I sobbed. I watch week after week (of course on DVR so I don't need to see the silly commercials). I love the transformations! I love to see the success! I love to watch the sweat and spit and exhaustion.

Two seasons ago (Danny's season), I was on my early journey to explore getting LapBand surgery. I do, however, recall a few nights sitting watching the show eating something bad. I also was not exercising much last season, so those workout watching episodes were rough. I realize now, I was gearing up last year to start my life. I put off a lot of things back in that old life. I had "big plans" to get moving, to stop eating everything in sight, to start liking myself a little more, to stop putting my life on hold!

I watched the new season premier this week (again skipping through the commercials, unless it comes to that Kia commercial with the hamsters....). I still see the same stories of pain, self-destructive behaviors, awful circumstances, bad choices, lack of understanding/education, depression, life altering situations etc..... But now I see these things through different eyes. I see how easy it is to let things spiral out of control so quickly. How easy it is to put yourself on the back burner. I see how I faded into the background of life, not really participating, but just existing. I don't miss that person. I think that so many of us get lost. I have such hope now, I want that for all of these people on the show and in life to get to that point where they too have hope. I also realize now that my hope isn't wholly dependent on a number on a scale, but a realization that I want more for me. (Gawd! I really didn't mean to go all deep and stuff...)

Now, back to what prompted me to even think about "Biggest Loser".... I noticed that there was a girl who had very similar tummy scars as mine. I then poked around and it turns out that at least a couple of the players this season had had WLS. Funny, my attitude was WTF???!!! How did they end up not succeeding after surgery? How could they not make this work with a tool like a LapBand? Then I thought about how if I didn't have my head on straight and understand that the band is a physical tool ONLY. I guess I needed to see the other side. I see (or rather, read) about ALL the great successes on these blogs that help me everyday to get through or over my own hurdles and really didn't or haven't stopped to think about the risk of failure. I have failed before, many times, on this quest to get my weight under control. I am thankful that I have these reality checks to keep my mind and body aware of how I need to work on this as a whole EVERYDAY.

Ticker Love!

Today is a good day!
I spent the morning yesterday with my dear friend Kathy (who dutifully transported me and stayed with me on my surgery day back in July). Summer just was a blur for me and apparently everyone else.... I was bad about staying in touch with the people that mean the most to me, namely Ms. Kathy. Now, I need to also say that I have been forbidden from coming to her house until her kitchen remodel was complete (4.5 months later I am still not allowed in....) I have actually forgotten what her house looks like on the inside! Kathy came over and picked me up to go and do our annual "buying pumpkins and mums" run! She walked in the kitchen and just started screaming!!! Screaming "Holy @$%#!!!" over and over and grabbing me and hugging me all the time screaming! It was the BEST!!!!! I was over the moon for that kind of reaction! She made my day, week, month! I love her! I actually have talked to her many times on the phone since my surgery, but just not seen her in person. I was actually concerned because I thought that the 15 pounds that I have lost since my surgery wouldn't be enough to even notice. I guess I was wrong! I got all the cheering and rah-rahs that I could ever want.
Here's to all the great girl-friends to pump you up and let you know when you are doing a great job. I am going to pay it forward and make sure to make all my friends know how great they are on the inside and outside!!

Sanity Check...

I have a quick question for some experienced "bandees" out there. I got a 3cc fill on September 1 and I don't feel restricted at all. I am very careful with what I eat and exercise faithfully, but I can eat A LOT! I am not really complaining as my scale was down 2 pounds this morning, but I am wondering if the first fill is not a real representation of what a restriction feels like. The only thing that gives me any problems is bread, so I have eliminated any bread from my diet.

I guess I should be happy that I am doing this mostly on my own. I just thought I would be getting used to a "full feeling" by now. I have a fill scheduled for the middle of October, I will probably regret wanting to really feel restricted......

A Wedding Weekend

So I survived a week of travel to the West Coast. Happily, eating and exercising were not the issue at all! Traveling from NY to San Diego to San Francisco to San Jose to LA on as many planes was the challenge! Especially the last leg, the "fun" red-eye from LAX, or more specifically the 9 hour wait at the airport in LA after being shuffled from San Jose unexpectedly.

So, as I expected, none of my male workmates on my trip commented or appeared to notice my transformation. No biggie! I know what I have accomplished. I did feel a little bad for my boss having to buy me a $30 breakfast consisting of coffee and oatmeal in San Francisco.




I was back in time for the kids and I to jump in the car and drive to PA for a family wedding. A very fun time for both of the kids who were in the wedding. My 14 son was actually the best man!! He is very close with his cousin (26) who obviously adores him enough to have him stand up for him. My daughter was the junior bridesmaid and looked beautiful! I was so proud of them. I actually didn't hide from the camera and wore a dress that was 3 sizes smaller than anything I have worn for a very long time. Eating was not an issue either. I did get a comment from the bride who said that I was "wasting away", I love her!!

Traveling with the Band

I leave tomorrow for my first multi-day trip across country for my job since being banded. I have really been a homebody for the last couple of months. I haven't seen many of my work peeps during this time, so it will be fun to see the guys struggle whether to say anything to me, if they even notice! My sales guy is the only one in my company who I even told about the surgery and when I saw him a couple of weeks ago he asked me if I did something different with my hair. OMG! He never mentioned the 40+ lbs, but asked about my hair! Really??!! I jokingly said that I had lost the equivalent of a pre-schooler and smacked him for not remarking on my "sveltness" :-)

Seriously, I really struggle with taking compliments and not knowing what to say. I actually practice just saying "Thank You". Why is that so difficult? I think having anyone even notice me has been such an issue for me for some time. Sad. I feel so much better mentally and physically now even just from the time I decided to get the surgery back at the beginning of 2010. I can't imagine being that miserable and sad ever again.

I have packed my single serving tuna pouches and my Crystal Light single packs in case I can't find anything in a pinch! If I keep myself well hydrated and on a fairly regular schedule I should be just fine. I also packed up my sneakers and gym clothes too, so no excuses for no exercise. I will be in San Francisco so I will look forward to some hill walking!

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars."

That Was Easy!!!

I was all stressed out for nothing!!! Today was my first fill. I am officially "restricted". I had been wondering why I could eat a fair amount..... I just had a wee little .8cc fill in from surgery. I am up to a 3cc fill now. This should be interesting. I maintained my weight from my post op appointment so I pretty much have been doing this on my own and gotten some good habits built in these past couple of months.

I actually went and did my kickboxing class after my fill and felt great. I think it is the whole unknown thing that was freaking me out.

Now the thing that got me more excited today, other than getting the fill over with, was receiving my cool, new heart-rate monitor watch! I started spinning again a few months before my surgery after a number of years of dropping almost all exercise. I really like spinning. The classes are either endurance, strength, or interval rides and dependent on your specific heart-rate range. I have a very low resting heart-rate, so I didn't really know what my range was for any of the rides. I was probably overdoing it trying to raise my heart-rate to the ranges posted on the wall. The instructor last week had me borrow a heart-rate monitor and track my ride. I had a great workout once I knew what range I should have been working towards. I love my watch too because it actually tracks activity to burn 3500 calories = 1 pound lost! I just had to plug in some of my stats and I am ready to go.

Happy September 1st!! Everyone have a great night!

"Life is like a ten speed bike, most of us have gears we never use…"

Honeymoon is over

I don't think that I thought that I was ever going to come down...

I saw my PCP on December 18, 2009 and after an uncontrollable unloading about all the things that were crappy in my life, the biggest being the way I felt about myself. I love my doctor! She is the first doctor who actually talked with me and supported my exploration of Lap Band surgery.

I was on such a high from the first informational meeting, right on through the 5% required loss, the pre-op diet and ultimately the surgery date on July 20, 2010! I felt so successful, I really felt that this was the "magic" that I had always been searching for most of my adult life. Not a "magic bullet", but a magic feeling.

And then it happened. A few days, maybe a week, before my month anniversary of banding, I really started seeing an "old Amy" pop up. Bad food choices down my un-swollen and unrestricted stomach. Head hunger that made me crave all things evil to eat. Spending hours watching food channels and cooking shows. Pushing the limit of "sensible" food choices.

I crashed mentally soon after. I just felt let down, deflated, off my high. I worried that I would not have it in me to pull out of this funk and turn this feeling into action. I then realized, quite by accident, that this band was really a tool and I did know how to actually use it. I still don't even have a real restriction other than the bare minimum in the band from surgery, but I started really "listening" to my body. I listened to how I felt when I made a bad choice, when I ate too fast, when I drank with my food or too soon after. My scale didn't do what it normally did in the past when I felt like it was too tough to stay on track. My scale just moved a little (1-2 lbs. up then down, or staying the same) certainly not what it I was used to from the past.

Now I am grateful for the turn of events, from steady, semi-rapid weight loss, little choices necessary to be successful, to a slow in weight loss, and re-introduction of exercise and living with my band. I had never had a setback (mentally or physically) that I actually been able to overcome. I just needed to realize the tool I was carrying inside was just one of many tools that I already have. I know, kinda like a Scarecrow, Tin-Man or Cowardly Lion moment.

I am going to rejoice in the little victories, and especially those that don't involve a scale! Thanks to all of you that I have learned from on your blogs and listened to your victories, the information is invaluable to the newly banded.

"If you don’t know where you’re going how do you expect to get there ?"

You know that you need a fill when....

10. You discover that you can make almost ANYTHING, good or bad, "applesauce consistency" if you chew it long enough...
9. Head hunger is louder than the roofers pounding on your new roof......
8. You watch the Food Channel and the saliva that you get from watching a BBQ special helps get pretzels to an "applesauce consistency"....
7. You dream about said BBQ special.....
6. You've lost that full feeling, (in my case I guess I only had that swollen feeling so far...).
5. Soft food = lots of food....
4. You are not so excited to jump on that scale....
3. You actually miss thinking, "oh I wouldn't even try that" when making a restaurant food choice..
2. You get worried that your Dr. is going to yell at you....
1. You know that this was the best thing you ever did for yourself and want the tool to do it's job....

I think I am really silly. But oddly, putting it down on the screen means I have to acknowledge some of the changes and feelings that I am having. Before banding, I would have just as easily slipped back into bad habits and lazy thinking (I believe that I joined WW over 100 times...)

Only 1 week and I get my first fill. I am going to do my best to act as though I have a fill and make sure I keep myself in check.

Have a great day!

"If there exists no possibility of failure, then victory is meaningless."

One Month Post Banding!

I got a great surprise this afternoon in my email. My surgery roomie sent me a note. I was so glad to hear from her since I didn't have her email. It really was nice to have a room-mate that was going through the same things.

I really feel quite normal now! I know that may sound strange, but the week before last, I felt just a little "off". I think being back at work and doing regular travel and getting the go ahead to go back to my spinning and cardio class has made a BIG difference. My scale has been good to me. I still am a couple weeks from my first fill, but I am losing/maintaining what I have lost. I love knowing what it feels like to be "full" or "satisfied". I feel very much at ease, with the toughest stuff behind me. I wouldn't trade even the bad days for this new found feeling.

My kids are so great! They are my biggest cheerleaders. My son and I went for a walk the day before yesterday, and he put his arm around me and told me how proud he was of me and how great I looked! (NOTE: a car passed us and he held on to my waist and didn't pull away! Pretty cool considering he is 14). My daughter and I went swimming last night and she came up close and put her hands on my face and said that I was pretty. I was grinning the rest of the night.

I know that my good example of taking care of myself will pay off many times over with my kids now and in the future. I am so happy that I made the decision to give myself this gift.

Amy

"Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows." -

This is for my friend Michelle who always makes me laugh at myself and herself.

Much Better Mood!!

I love it when things go from bleak to good in a relatively short time! At the beginning of the week I felt like hiding out in bed and by Wednesday I was all good again. I was on vacation again last week (my summer has been like this: vacation, pre-op diet, surgery, post-op, vacation....) so this week I had to actually do some work! Maybe that was the whole issue with gas and air, I was talking a lot!! Then I was told on Tuesday afternoon that I needed to go on a quick overnight trip on Wed-Thur. Panic set in on immediately. Food was the first thing that I worried about. I have pretty much been in a cocoon since my surgery, with little issues around making decisions about food choices. What if I make a mistake and eat something that I can't get down in front of people? How on earth can I walk into the USAir Club and NOT try to eat those damn spicy peanut, pretzel and sesame crackers? Luckily I had little time to actually harp on the "what ifs".

I also was a little anxious about having my 1st follow-up with Dr. D since my surgery (remember I crammed my surgery in between my vacations)! I was pleased with the weigh-in (down 44 pounds from the first day that I walked into the office and 13 pounds from surgery day). I went through my questions:

• Gas pressure (which had actually subsided by my appointment thank goodness) all normal for the stage I am in apparently
• Blood pressure - I was shocked at the reading 140/100! I actually had talked to my PCP about how I was feeling a tad dizzy when taking my Atenelol and probably "self doctored" by deciding to stop.... Bad idea and I was thoroughly scolded :-( I went home and took my meds... didn't feel dizzy, just dumb.
• Itchy, itchy tummy - I had a crazy rash ALL over my stomach even 3 weeks out that I could only get to subside with topical Benadryl. Since I had no remnants of the rash, I just think he thought I was nuts! Only when I talk about it now it starts to itch. I think he also thought I was nuts not to have used Benadryl until a few days ago...

I have my first fill on September 1st, so that should be fun! Daughter wants to even see it up close and in person.

I am happy to report I didn't have any food dilemmas at all. I even managed to chew to applesauce consistency 3 spicy sesame sticks and was happy with the taste and the overall experience!

My other big personal wins were:

• My work clothes fit really comfortably (soon to be donated away!)
• I sat in an airline seat where I gave the person next to me lots more room than before and my seat belt was not like binding a sausage.
• I ate one restaurant meal (breakfast) and result was.... GREAT! Good choice, poached eggs and no bad/embarrassing outcomes.

Nite Nite!

"Pressure makes diamonds."

UGH!!

Yesterday was the worst post-banding day. I am experiencing awful gas pressure.
So I am having this issue swallowing, but it has gotten to be a series of mini-panic attacks when I go to actually drink something. I think I haven't gotten the hang of "sipping". I literally cannot swallow, breathe, talk or burp without it feeling like someone is stepping through my chest! It usually starts with like an abundance of saliva in my mouth that is forcing me to swallow, I get the gas pain, let out a whimper (to which one of my kids usually comes running over to pound on my back) then get a lovely dose of hic-ups.....


I felt so down yesterday! I just wanted to crawl back in bed (which I actually did on 3 occasions). I have been so fortunate to have had so few problems, pre or post banding. I am going to stay positive and take a walk to start out my day. It is supposed to be a scorcher here in Western NY today.

Thanks for the vent.

Amy

"I’ve got problem for your solution…"

Vacations Post Banding....

Wow! I stopped really eating on July 14th while in Jamaica (really the travel day home) on a family vacation. Was on the pre-op diet of liquids and then surgery on the 20th of July. Happily I was not really eating anything much at all until a day before going on another vacation on July 31st. I really planned it out, so I thought, but I am going to admit in the next few sentences all the bad things that I tried to get into my (what I am believing is an empty-lapband restricted stomach...). Fluids are still crazy hard unless they are warm (I am used to slamming back 16oz of water in a gulp, now=bad!!) I wish I had actually learned how to eat slow before I stopped eating! I had my hiatal hernia repaired when I was banded, so on Thursday at my first follow up appointment I have questions!!!! Like: why I can't burp without doubling over, why do I have a pain in my upper back when swallowing, what on earth caused a crazy rash ALL over my stomach and other things....

Things I wish I hadn't tried to eat so soon: (I am really hoping that confessing this will make me feel better and that someone else will tell me that they too tried some of these things with poor results..)
1. French fry (if you have ever been in Canada and sat next to someone eating poutine - fries with gravy and melted cheese curd you know this was impossible not to try) RESULT - POOR, actually it never went down... lucky when it refused, I was close to the toilet.
2. Taco meat - taco sauce and melted cheese with sour cream. RESULT - GOOD (at first.... bad heartburn later)
3. Margarita - RESULT - GOOD (first cold thing I got down without a problem, oh, but 2 sips in and I was hammered!!
4. Fresh bread from oven - RESULT - BAD, BAD, BAD! I think I still have it stuck in there somewhere even though I shouldn't even be really restricted.... I might still sometime stick a piece in my mouth and chew it up for the taste and spit it out, GAWD!! Is there anything as good as fresh bread??!! Now I am worried, that sounded like a really un-wise thing to even think...
5. Pasta Bake..... - RESULT - OK (mushy pasta really isn't that appetizing, but man I ate a LOT of it, heartburn was back soon after.
Okay, those were the bad things, probably a fair amount of other bites, nibbles and licks. I am going to start keeping a journal like I did when I was on WW. Maybe that will help me....

Good things that happened on vacation that had absolutely NOTHING to do with food:
1. I accepted the many compliments I got on my weight loss from my vacation buddies who only see me once a year at the cottage! I said, "Thank you, that is very kind, I am working very hard at it". I didn't share my surgery with any of them.
2. I wore a bathing suit out in public, the beach, on the boat, and sitting on the deck without a cover-up.
3. I tried to walk everyday at least for 30 min.
4. I took a nap when I needed a rest.
5. I laughed a lot with my friends and didn't have 1 fight with the kids!!
6. I launched and loaded my boat without any help and without swearing.
7. I didn't look at work or home e-mail/v-mail all week!


Oh, and I didn't freak out when I gained a pound this week...., well not too much.... :-)

Ames x

"Life is tough, get a helmet."

Walking

I was really good about getting my rear in gear and starting a regular exercise program before I had my surgery. I accredit this exercise with the main reason that I lost most of my pre-surgery weight.

I purposely didn't want to ask Dr. D about when I could resume my exercise afterwards because I knew I was not going to like the answer. I do Cardio Kickboxing with my BFF Edie and I do spinning as well. I didn't even care that my butt was WAY bigger than that little seat, and the instructor is like a 100lb drill sergeant! I love to sweat.

So when I went in for my last appointment about 3 days before my surgery, the PA had to do it. She had to tell me that if I don't adhere to the exercise limitation/restriction, I could cause the port to flip and then they would have to open me back up. So I guess I will follow the rules....

I have been getting up early and walking for the last 5 days before work. I really like it!! I like it even though it isn't crazy stuff, I really like walking and looking around my neighborhood. Today I just felt happy to feel good about doing good things for myself. Some mornings my daughter Emma comes and meets me on her bike when I am coming home and that is a nice way to start the day. I also feel more alert and ready to tackle work.

I think I will keep the walking as part of my regular daily activity.

Are any of you treating yourselves better overall after getting banded?

What are some things that you do?

Amy

"Life is as extreme as you want to make it. (quoted from Sponge Bob, he is wise)"

Food

Things I have realized since I was banded.....

1. I dream about eating again, not a lot, just eating....

2. I think I know what feeling full means now.

3. I don't think I have ever recognized how uncomfortable being stuffed is before now.

4. I think about food too much.....

Ames

"Never look back unless youre planning to go that way."

Nesting - cleaning out my life.....

I am not pregnant, but honestly the last couple of days I have actually been "nesting". Wondering if this is a common result of banding? I have organized my junk drawers, my work desk, and even the dreaded cabinet-catch-all-from-hell!!!

I just want to purge everything that I don't need or absolutely love. I feel great throwing stuff away! The best part was that yesterday, my first real day back to work, I was extra motivated and got about 3 weeks worth of work done! I think my sales guy thought I was on speed. My boss (and really great friend) couldn't believe that I was telling him I really needed to stay focused and couldn't talk about Harry Potter at the Toronto/Ontario Science Center!!

Last night I was stuck to the TV watching a recorded episode of the "Messiest House in America" (or maybe some other name like that) and it just fed my obsession with purging..... I now want a new bed and couch. Luckily I can't lift either of them or they might be out on the curb....

Have a good day!

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."

Talking, Laughing and Gagging....

Yesterday was a "band new day" for me....
I had some friends over for a pool get together and I discovered the dangers of having too much fun laughing and talking and drinking (clear liquids of course - no alcohol involved). I guess talking and laughing increases the amount of air you suck in and well I gagged and then puked. Luckily I got the warning signs that I remember from a bout with the flu or a night of too much fun, and I was able to casually get up and go to the bathroom with no one even knowing.

I am thinking that the bottle of Prilosec actually needs to be opened and taken. I did just that last night and actually have no heartburn this morning. My scale is still being friendly. I am on very near the point where I can incorporate some pureed foods and getting antsy. My incisions are healing up nicely I think. I am starting my first real day back at work. (Since I work from home, I guess I never took any time off, I just didn't do much...)

I think that I have discovered something that I didn't anticipate about my LapBand. (I think I will need to name it soon.) My dear friend came to visit yesterday and she was concerned about eating in front of me or what I will be able to eat when our families go away together later this summer. I know that eating is a one of our favorite things to do together. I don't expect that to change, just the amount for me. I was so ready for this change and had a lot of time to prepare, I just don't know if my friends and family are synched up the same way. Has anyone experienced issues where you have to assure people that you can eat?

I am going to walk today. I really am anxious to be able to get back to Kickboxing and Spinning (of course the scare about dislodging my port and having to be opened back up is keeping me from pushing any exercise like that until I am in the clear from Dr. D....) I worked really hard pre-surgery to lose a lot of weight and get exercise into my normal routine, it feels like I am missing something. Walking is going to have to do it for me for now I guess.

I did do a "cheaty" thing this weekend though. It was so hot and humid on Saturday, I got my babie's Daddy (sweet ex) to clean the pool and I had him hoist me into a floaty (where my stomach was above the water) and I floated around for a half and hour. I never asked him when I could use the pool, but assumed that the rules for taking a bath were the same, after the incisions were fully healed. This is a good place to confess my bad things I guess.

Ames

5 Days Post Banding - A little history

On July 20, 2010 I had LapBand surgery at Rochester General Hospital by Dr. A. DiBenedetto. My kids and I went to Jamaica from July 9-15 and had a great time! We stayed at an all inclusive resort, but thankfully we were very active and I actually came home 2 lbs lighter. The travel day home on July 15th was Day 1 of the 5 day liquid prep before surgery.... but all went well.

I had a secret goal to be in "onederland" prior to surgery, and this really kept me in line and on track. I made my goal and on surgery day I weighed 199 lbs. My dear friend Kathy brought me to the hospital and my sweet babie's Daddy helped hold down the fort at home.

To get a little history, without all the boring details I am going to give a quick bullet list of all of the steps to get me to where I am today:

• 12/09 - severe depression about the state of my weight, visit to PCP and she recommended exploring LapBand surgery (first time a Doctor ever had the guts to confront me about the giant elephant in my life) P.S. I love my PCP!!!
• 2/10 - Informational meeting at RGH about the procedure, blasted out of meeting to make first Dr. appt with Dr. D.
• 3/10 - First meeting/appointment at Dr. D's after submitting a VERY LENGTHY and detailed history and recommendation from my PCP, my weight was 231.5 (although in December, I weighed 240 lbs. !!!!) Given orders to lose 5% (11.5 lbs.) of my weight before my next appointment with Dr. D. in April.
• 3/10 - Started going to monthly support group at RGH and met my friend Donna who was a couple of months ahead at the time and got her surgery date for 4/20/10!! Lucky me gets to see all the things to expect on my journey.
• 3/10 - Psychiatric evaluation - Yikes! (I am luckily only a little crazy...)
• 4/10 - Sleep study - subsequent diagnosis of Sleep Apnea. (I am a weirdo and love my CPAP machine, sleeping is good, being rested is good.)
• 4/10 - Appointment with Dr. D and I have lost my 5% and even more. Dr. D. approves me!! Tells me to keep losing weight since the goal of the surgery is to be a tool to keep it off and I am on my way!
• 4/10 - Appointment with Nutritionist to go over "what to expect".
• 4/10 - Enter first big road block. My company announces it has been sold to another company and guess what? I won't know what my new insurance coverage will be. :-( First major setback and I was really in a funk. Without knowing what my insurance coverage will be, I am in a holding pattern.
• 4/10 - Almost forgot this, I had to have an EKG because one of the many weight loss efforts I tried in the past was Phen-Fen... (I checked out fine).
• 5/10 - Insurance options are announced and I have coverage with new company that is "bariatric surgery friendly" (BCBS Anthem) Yay!! I am relieved and Lori from Dr. D.'s office submitted for my approval on June 1 (first day of my new insurance plan).
• 6/10 - APPROVAL!!! I got a call from Lori and I was approved about 1 week after submission!!
• 6/10 - Appointment with Dr. D. and Millie to schedule ALL the next steps: endoscopy, class, lab work and SURGERY, also, follow-up and even first fill!
• 6/10 - Endoscopy - that was quick and no issues. He did say that he would be fixing a hiatal hernia. I went out for lunch with dear friend Kathy right after and felt fine.
• 6/10 - Class - good review and met some nice people who were having their surgery right before me. We all had our pre-surgery lab work and chest x-rays (plan on 2-3 hours).
• 7/15/10 - started pre-op liquid diet
• 7/20/10 - My surgery date!! My surgery was at 11:00AM and I was back in recovery by 1:00PM.

That about wraps it up for the process up to surgery. 5 days out and I am feeling GREAT!! I weighed myself yesterday and was 195.5 lbs. and have been up and about since the day after surgery. I had a nice roommate, Rachel, who had a very similar experience. I have not even taken any Tylenol since coming home, that is how good I feel. Now, I am not going to lie, the hospital is no place to rest.... So when I came home on the 21st at about 5PM, I went home and slept and slept and on the 22nd, I slept almost the whole day. 5 days out, I feel completely normal. My incisions (5 tiny ones) have never oozed and now are starting to itch (my nurse sister-in-law says that means they are healing!! I really have not been hungry at all! I find warmer liquids are easier to go down than cold ones, but I am feeling great!

I only had one mental melt down!! On Friday, I went to the grocery store and became overwhelmed with all the visuals and smells.... I really don't recommend anyone going to the grocery store until at least you are getting something more than clear liquids.

I love myself for doing this for myself! I now know that I have a chance to be happy and healthy for my kids and not hold back on anything I want to do. I am very blessed to have have great friends and family supporting me through this. Let me know if you have any questions.

Ames