More Crazy Shizittle...

Only me. I hope someday to post on a "band only topic", but sadly today again is not the day.

I am training for a marathon with my friend John. You may recall him from a previous post as my "swinger" friend. I am officially not a swinger! I am, however, his running/training partner. He has even fixed me up with one of his friends who is really nice and not "in the lifestyle"..... More on that one at a later date when there is more interesting material.

So, yesterday I was out with John, his wife and a bunch of other people at a bar watching football. I am in a fantasy football league and struggle just to remember who I have on my team if I don't have a cheat sheet in front of me. I am enjoying going out and meeting new people and just not rotting anymore, so it is all good. John is very outgoing. He tells everyone he is running a marathon and training with me and blah, blah, blah. I was sitting there talking to his wife about how when we went to Dick's to buy his running shoes that he was enamored by the "accessories". The reflective tape, the gloves, the hydration systems.... She was dying laughing because she said, "Welcome to my world." Then I overheard him saying to this woman (who he has been friends with for some time apparently) "We should go out running together sometime." and then planning routes and distances and actual times.

I absolutely lost my mind! I got up went to the bathroom and had to restrain myself from punching the wall in. I was really crazy feeling..... I couldn't even rationalize my feelings! I thought my head was going to explode. The most crazy thing was that this woman, plays for the other team, and her partner was sitting right there. So this is clearly:
A) Not about being jealous of this woman for any sexual reason.
B) Not about being jealous of this woman for any sexual reason, because he is married (albeit a swinger, but refer to earlier mention of me not being a swinger) and I am not involved with him in that way. Really.
C) Being jealous that he was already looking for others to run with..... Shit. I think I need to revisit reason A, cause that one makes a whole more sense right......

UGGH! I guess I need to fess up. I thought about dabbling.... Couldn't see it actually happening and made my decision to keep it purely friendly and platonic. I guess I liked being chased and I didn't realize that I would or could feel different when it stopped. The running thing I guess I transferred to be our "relationship". God! I really need a slap!

I feel fine now that I have worked it all out in my mind. When he saw I was upset he wanted to talk about it. I was actually more angry that he wanted me to discuss it with him! How ridiculous could my life get?

I called my friend on the way home and told her the whole story and we have decided that our minds don't always operate in sane mode. Transferring feelings is tricky to justify, understand and accept, especially the weird manifestations. I am working this all out and making sure that I give myself a little bit of a break on ANY feelings that are new or unusual. I have done such a good job of sheltering myself from anything even normal for so long, it is best that I experience some difficult things as primers for the big ones down the road.

Ames