I am crazy, but that is okay!

It is 8:33AM and I have already had a good cry this morning. I have been on the verge of crying for the last week or two. In fact, I am tearing up writing these words. I am sad. I am, I guess, more than just sad, I am in a full blown depression.

It is okay though. I got up and blew my nose and said out loud, just so I could hear it, "I need to start taking my medicine again!". I agreed with myself and brushed my hair and teeth and then stepped on the scale. Sometimes a scary thing you know.... 163.5! Cool. I haven't seen that stupid scale budge for nearly a month!! I am sucking at this Holiday Challenge! But, all of a sudden the heaviness in my heart seemed to lift a little. I should have seen the signs a couple of weeks ago. The snappiness at the kids, the crying jags, the unbelievable lack of focus. I have been working out like crazy, running, spinning, weights. In fact, that is all I really make time to plan for and do. I crave the endorphins and do get them, but they don't last.

So, into my medicine cabinet I went. Fumbled past a couple of bottles of Advil and Tylenol and dug out my trusty "happy pills" cracked that bottle open and swallowed and was happy to have made the step.

I really got it that I needed to make a move away from my dark place after reading a post from Amy (Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist) I paraphrased something she wrote that seemed to pretty much sum up my biggest hurdle of all, the empathy of even participating in Christmas. I sent it to myself as an email so that I wouldn't forget it and how important it was for me to recognize it. I just wasn't ready to think about it until I was ready mentally to actually deal with it. My kids need a good Christmas, happy memories always. I love them so.

Sometimes we make sacrifices because there are others that rely on us or are tied to our actions, most of us don't operate independently. - I paraphrased it after completely stealing from Amy, but it really feels so much like I feel/felt.....

I am still grateful for all the things that I am learning about myself. All my crazy, flaws, strengths, funny, broken, happy, powerful, silly, sad, etc.... These are all of me and sometimes we just aren't ready to accept them.

Love and kisses my friends!
XXXOOO